...

i've come to the realization that i just cannot allow myself to care anymore.

i made (and am making) a great amount of friends - school, college and uni. however, for the few people who remind me of the cynic i am capable of being, i have kept a distance from them. i don't go on MSN anymore because of this, i don't read certain blogs anymore because of this. you may call this running away if you must, but it isn't so to me. i've settled my debts, i've explained myself but if this isn't enough, i don't know what will ever satisfy ye hunger. i've drowned a part of me that i wish to never see again and i hope i never will.

i don't resent them, i never will. i just refuse to care as much as i do because they remind me of everything that i was, they bring out the insecurities in me.

i love my friends, i really do. and more often that not, in my strange ways, i try to corroborate my gratitude for them. i may not say it aloud but i try my best to show gratitude in discrete ways and sometimes, this does not seem to be enough for others but that's all i'm capable of.

i also have this thing in me, that some have noticed and taken advantage of. the discretion to capitulate; to not-be-able-to-relate-to-what-you-said-i've-done,-but-just-for-you-i-bite-
my-tongue, to say "it's alright, this will elapse" is something i cannot comprehend, but i am.

and with that, say hello to the enlightened me.